It may appear that his report is about problems of couples forming relations. Yet there is not a great deal to say about relationships that form easily and develop smoothly thereafter. But how many affairs do start smoothly?
We will consider this by pointing out that the only affairs which do start are those which are allowed to. It is clear that strong forces do operate, putting up barriers which must be overcome before a relationship can grow. We have described these effects in terms of the Catastrophe model: the forces and barriers are clear to see at any dance or disco - especially the disco. We have also discussed evidence that in many people the stronger the mutual attraction the larger the barriers.
Many affairs start smoothly, perhaps a majority. People differ in their ability to put others at ease, and to start an impromptu conversation. But many people - and especially those who are not high in these attributes - may find that the affairs which start easily are those where the mutual attraction is not extreme - whereas a large proportion of cases where the mutual attraction is highest don't start at all. Naturally these affairs may well have been the most rewarding of all.
We have discussed the destructive way the forces operate. Much of it boils down to misunderstandings in the early stage, to which both parties react against. We suggest the situation can often be retrieved by channelling ones energies into rationally identifying what is going on, which syndrome is operating, and making ones position known.
We have discussed that for the first time society is leaving young people alone in organising their courting lives, as opposed to organising it for them. We may not yet have learned to use this freedom properly.
It is a good idea to take a few minutes out to compile an advance - avoid plot of the girls one comes across, as in The Catastrophe Model .
One can thus monitor their reactions to your advances. One should be able to identify the syndromes described in this report. But there may be a problem if several syndromes occur together. Unless the relationship proceeds smoothly it is not uncommon for there to be several syndromes operating together (eg Scared Girl, Di, Beautiful Girl; as well as syndromes the man may have unwittingly introduced - such as Isobel, Sue/Carol). The resulting plot may be more complex than those given in the The Catastrophe Model.
We have not discussed in this report how to sort out multiple syndromes, for the permutations would result in a large number. But having a plot of a particular girl's history can considerably help to do this. It may also help the reader to plot out for himself the advance - avoid sequence to be expected from each syndrome, so helping him to recognise it in the field. If you do this you will see:
We will leave it to the reader to validate these conclusions.
Making these plots enables one to gain experience, determine which girls are interested and which aren't, and to plan a strategy. It can be fun to experiment, and predict what a particular girl will do next. It is fun to watch how a girl who appears to be avoiding one's advances will start coming through when one reduces one's advance. This is a simple way of determining her interest.
When one finds that one is generally not being surprised by girls' actions, then one knows one is getting to understand their basic behavioural patters. But this may take a little time and study. You may find some syndromes not in this report - if so I'd be interested to hear about them - to send message.
When one is getting avoidance tendencies it can take time (weeks/months) to build the interactions up (Scared Girl, Beautiful Girl, etc). These can account for quite a lot of ones prospects. It is better to have several possibles under observation at the same time if this is possible - one is then not so concerned about succeeding with a particular girl - and one remains in Only to Gain mode. Whereas if there is only one girl in ones sights, one is very likely to slip into Only to Lose - and that reduces ones performance considerably.
If one does not meet a range of girls in one's normal life, then take part in some activities which girls also take part in - clubs, societies, sports, as well as social activities such as parties, discos, dances, social clubs. Activities in which people walk about are often better than where people sit down (such as meetings, evening classes). Walking about increases the possibilities of informal contact - sports are good. If one hasn't got a passion for badmington/tennis/squash etc then there are beginners' classes which serve the same purpose. Anyway pick some things which are not specifically courting situations. The main reason is that contact can be made easier if there is some ready-made activity to converse about.
I will conclude this report with an extract from one of the documented relationships that make up this study:
".....but she didn't say anything - she just remained silent .. There seemed little doubt that she was trying to get me to ask her out, and that she was extremely shy and scared of me, and very tense in my presence...."
We are seeing the reaction of two beautiful people on each other, fighting to get a relationship started. It was one of the incidents which led to this study - and perhaps if they had the knowledge which resulted, they might have made it.
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